This week has been difficult. I have written nothing, because I don’t want to remember the thoughts I’ve been having. But they were real.
Last week, Himself convinced me to buy a notebook. No big deal, I have many.
But this one is different.
This notebook is blank. Unlined. Bare pages. All waiting to be marked.
This book represents such a huge fear. Of making my mark and being wrong. Of mess, of failure, of ruining something that could have been more.
This is nonsense, of course. But like those awful thoughts that I’d rather forget, still real.
I want to mark these pages. I want to write, to draw, to sketch and scribble, with no judgement. I want those voices of illness to be drowned out by what I AM doing, rather than what I’m afraid to do.
My marks may be good or bad, but they will be mine. And true.
Battling onward. Still here.