Re-Beginning

It’s been a while. Illness mostly, but this meant a certain anxiety about exposure, wanting to snuggle in and hide instead of expose myself… but this page was intended to be small. Daily sharing of things that inspire me, to remind me and keep me moving, while hopefully sharing that energy with others as well.

Plus, any writing is good for momentum in creating More Writing 😉

I’ve been finding mornings very difficult lately. I used to be up and doing, loving that fresh feeling of the air before the day truly begins. But the thought of all the things the day might hold has been scary recently. Overwhelming. More than I can cope with, physically and mentally.

So today I’m taking it gently. What am I doing… right now.

I have a pup cosily asleep on my leg.

I’m writing.

I’ve been knitting a madly-coloured cosy thing with beautiful yarn, that makes me smile and feels good to touch.

The rain is beating down against the window.

These thoughts can inspire grins or worries. I have to take the dogs out in the rain soon – I’m letting the thought bring a smile, anticipating the rain washing my hair naturally and bringing the scent of damp grass. I could let it bother me, whinge and moan… but I can’t avoid it, so I choose to welcome it, as the dogs will.

Writing has been daunting. What can I say? How will people react? I’m not clear enough in my mind to put ideas ‘out there’… But this is my space, and I’m doing it anyway.

Even the knitting – in a crazy mixed-up bunch of colours that I really shouldn’t like. But I do. It makes me happy, in the act of creation and the result.

I’m doing my best to dig deeper than the surface miasma, the fog of depression. I want to see, to determine that Yes, I’m doing something because *I* want to. And I can. And it will be whatever it is.

I’m looking at the potential of the day, not the fears. Heading outside soon. Let’s see what comes.

Much love, my friends.

Small Steps

Hard times. But I am moving.

Today, I have a cold. Sneezing, coughing, battling to keep warm (or cool), headachey… brain too furry to do much. Plans put by the wayside as I return to bed.

But something shifts in me, as I sit and think. 

In recent times, my head has been almost suffocated by the thick fog of negative thoughts. But with recent medication changes, I’m starting to see clarity again. The fog is thinning. My lovely doctor is thrilled that my natural smile is returning.

I’m finding myself again. I walk around this house, where I’ve lived for ten years now. My home, with my wee family. Full of the stuff of our lives: physical things holding unique memories, but also games played on the stairs with kittens, pups rolling around on the rug, hugs and laughter in every room…

When that black fog (dog?) rolls in, my tactics are now taking effect. I light a candle for focus and brightness. I burn sweet incense to remind me of magic and ritual. I walk barefoot across the wooden floors, wrap myself in blankets I knitted, immerse myself in stories that engage…

I write random thoughts to share, for those who may feel as I do. To prove that I can still express myself, create, speak up – that my mind is my own. This is me. I’m still moving. It is possible.

The cold germs force rest. With every sneeze, badness is spat out and my head clears (briefly!). I trust that my body does its thing and evicts the toxic, as I am trying to do with the unhelpful thoughts. 

I reach out with my words… magic from the tips of my fingers, to reach you.

And I smile as I imagine you reading. 

Much love, my friends.

Self-Care Playlist

Today was… difficult. So, I got through with thanks to:

A sweet, funny movie: ‘The Final Girls

A simple but decent urban fantasy book: ‘Black Magic Woman

Knitting that’s complex enough to engage, but not frustrating: ‘Urdr

A podcast that makes me laugh out loud: ‘The Weekly Planet

Catching up with fun and familiar characters saving the world: ‘The Flash

Not being afraid to take time under blankets when necessary.

And puppies who realized something was wrong, and tag-teamed me with hugs all day:

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Now feeling more able to breathe. Hopefully I’ll do a little more tomorrow.

Voices

Today… inspiration, but also gratitude. I am thankful and deeply touched by the voices of those who read my words.

Creative folk will know how hard it can be to expose your work to the world. I’m often nervous about doing so, but take a deep breath and press the button to Save or Publish, before the doubt gets overwhelming.

The words I’ve received in return have been so wonderful.

Today was a hard day. I fought, but was unable to stop a watery meltdown this morning. This was fixed by Himself being fantastic (as always), but also by the ‘ping’ of comments arriving from my blog posts. And an unexpected gift from one very special lady. 

The Universe hears us, of this I am sure. Too many times, far beyond coincidence, the perfect thing has appeared, precisely when needed. This actually set me off again, tearing up – but now in happiness, overwhelmed with awe at the generosity and love stretching across the internet. 

I do what I do because my words find connection. I speak my truth, because to do any less would dishonour you, the reader or listener. Please know that I am so very thankful for you all.

The flame of my inspiration is rising. The breath of many keeps it alive xxx

Everything in Moderation…

I think I might have to go on a book diet.

The shelves are heaving in every room, even after a ‘bagging for Charity’ session. Every visitor tends to leave with at least one book – that’s just the way I am, as I love to share the stories. But I can’t justify any more right now, due to space, money and time. Resolve and determination is called for…

As I rummage through the stacks, however, I can’t help but smile. I remember buying (or acquiring) each and every one of these titles, read and yet-to-be-explored. That feeling of interest at cover or blurb, flicking through the pages to feel its individual character – the font, the sensation of the pages, the scent. New and pre-loved, they are all there, patiently waiting for my attention at last.

And that, more than anything else, is what makes the proposed ‘diet’ a good thing. I picked up and kept these worlds-in-paper for a reason. Let’s go back to them and give them the time they deserve.

There will always be new worlds to explore, after all.

Now, when I drop this lot at the Charity Shop, the challenge will be to leave without looking at their shelves… 🙂

Unconditional Love

Last week, someone remarked to me that he wasn’t ‘a dog person’. Fair enough, I said. He was curious as to why I was, what made me allow these mad creatures into my home and life?

The love of a dog is unconditional. I know, this is true for other animal friends as well, but for my canine companions it seems particularly accurate.

No matter what you do, they will always love you. The total joy when you come home after a trip to the shops, or even when you wake up in the morning. Licks of thanks after providing treats or food. Playing together…!

From the first moment when the tiny ball of fur comes home with you, as they find their way into a new life so they find their way into your heart. The wisdom in their gaze sometimes gives much-needed perspective, but the constant companionship is a true gift to be treasured.

Not all friends (or family members) are human-shaped. And they’ll leave paw-prints everywhere, of course, just to make sure you remember.

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Moments

My first post while travelling – but it certainly won’t be the last. Small and succinct, while the connection holds! And I apologise if it’s a little disjointed – I’m fairly exhausted (but in a good way).

Today could be classed as ‘work’. Many hours of travelling, effort and nerves… to make one couple’s Handfasting everything they wished it to be.

This is so much more than ‘work’. I’m not sure there are words to describe it, not really. ‘Vocation’ comes close. The joy of facilitating key moments in life, of being a part of them, sharing such powerful memories – always an honour.

And every single ritual that I do is different, unique in its own way. Every one has its single memorable moment that shines out in my mind.

Today could have been the look in the eyes of the couple just before they kissed. The sun beaming warm over us all. The tales they told of their ancestors.

But it’s more simple than that. I stepped into a bustling kitchen full of children, relatives and friends, to be met with smiles, laughter, happiness and hugs. Strangers become friends, stories are shared, and we are immediately welcome.

The generosity of those I meet in this ‘work’ is awe-inspiring. I am so proud to be part of this community, and excited all over again to see what the coming months hold. So many moments…

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(I don’t like using pictures of others without permission – so this is myself and my lovely partner Jim today, just doing our thing)