So… in response to social media asking what’s on my mind. Here we go. A difficult truth.
My illness means that there’s a constant background hum in my head. A voice (or voices), on repeat, telling me You Can’t Do It. You can’t go on, there’s no point, just stop, you’re the worst, nobody cares.
Sometimes that noise becomes loud, overwhelming. Physical action (hiding, or at least getting to a place of safety) is necessary.
Right now, it’s telling me that nobody wants to see this. It’s not helpful, it’s just whingeing. Oh great, she’s off again. And that famous old retort known to depressed folk everywhere: Just Wanting Attention.
This is how my mental illness manifests. People have asked, and some don’t believe it, but it’s true, and very real for me.
If I’m able to cut through the noise, to listen carefully, there’s also a quiet but determined counter-voice. It just says ‘You Can. Keep going.’
It doesn’t always win. But I’m so glad that it’s still there.
My inner self hasn’t given up on me.