Colour

Today… I’ve mostly been battling. Anxiety, then panic, not helped by a rude (patronising) repairman who came to service some kitchen electrics.

Lately, panic has been my brain telling me that I have to do everything at once. All the jobs I have, why aren’t I doing them? And then the fear that if I try, I’ll mess them up… so I sometimes end up stuck, unable to move, unable to see straight, physically shaking.

Distraction is key when the ‘brain weasels’ try to take over. Books, movies, computer games… whatever works.

Yarn is tremendously helpful to me at such times. Knitting and crochet are tactile and engage the brain in a focused way. Simple patterns are sometimes the best (again, for fear of going wrong), although lace sometimes demands my attention to the exclusion of all else.

Today, I’m working on a relatively simple, ongoing project: Knit It Like You Stole It. Using beautiful CountessAblaze fingering wool, each stitch slips through my fingers, while the finished section sits warmly in my lap.

While black is always my go-to clothing preference, colours have proved themselves tremendously helpful to my mood in recent years. The vividness of this wool is soothing and inspiring; when I wear it, I find it calming. My shawls really are portable hugs.

Keeping me grounded today, when any little thing can send me spinning. I’m grateful for this, very much.

Healing creativity.

Love Is…

Realized I forgot to post yesterday. This is due to Being Knackered after Saturday’s travelling and speaking adventures!

Today, I’m still so tired. Someone once questioned this, saying ‘You’re just standing there and talking, what’s tiring about that?’ I asked if they’d ever done it. They looked shocked, and replied (in a disgusted tone, as if I was stupid to even ask), ‘No!’

I often wonder what people see when they see me Doing My Thing. Does it look easy? If so, it didn’t always. Those who remember the early days can confirm this.

But honestly, I don’t know how I could not do this now.

I received a quiet message today, asking about a Handfasting. I’d love to help. Plans are being put together. All is good.

It’s for a poly (ie polyamorous) relationship.

I’ve had so many people nervously approach and ask if I mind performing their ceremony, given that it’s ‘a bit unusual.’ From relationship styles to locations, I’ve heard many ‘strange’ requests.

But they’re not strange, not really. They’re true for those involved. The ritual that they’re crafting must be honest, or why bother? It must reflect their relationship, what they love about each other. I’ve yet to have a ceremony without humour, for example, and that’d be quite shocking to some, no doubt!

Yes, I have performed poly Handfastings. Also all male, all female, and my first trans ceremony is being organised now.

Love is love. I hold the space for that. I help, however I can. I encourage, laugh along, listen to grievances and assist with problems where possible. I Priest.

The only time I Judge is when the relationship seems troubled – I cannot, in good conscience, wed those who are not ready (although one day, they may be).

I go away, consider, work and then step up to do my job. It may look easy, but under the robe, there’s feet stepping carefully so as to not fall, and inside my heart is the fervent prayer to do right in the moment.

I’m always honoured to do What I Do, and I will continue. Gladly. Inspiring and inspired.

And with a reserved rest day afterwards.

Blessings

Today, I was giving a talk at The Enchanted Market in Bracknell. My first talk of the year – and I was excited but also VERY nervous.

Fortunately, Himself was able to accompany me (and we were allowed to record the talk, so that’ll be going up on my YouTube channel soon).

As soon as I arrived, I was met with a warm welcome… and people just kept appearing with smiles and hugs!

I love meeting folks that I otherwise only see online. Nothing compares to Real World hugs and chat.

The talk room was almost full, and everyone seemed so happy.

And… I’m now home, and feeling so very blessed.

Today, I made £0.00. I was kindly given money for petrol; otherwise nothing.

But I received amazing gifts from people.

Hugs. Smiles. Kind words. Handmade gifts. Seeing my knitted creations worn by others. Hearing their stories. Faces lighting up…

I’m tired but so happy that I can do what I do. This is where the community support goes – and that support takes many wonderful forms. (Including kind words in the comments for this blog!)

Thankyou, dear friends. So much thanks.

BTW, I meant to take photos today, but was too busy. So here’s my travel knitting. 😂 Yarn by GamerCrafting.

Winning

Sometimes – more often than not, in fact – the inspirations and hope of the day come from the smallest things.

Today, my morning was spent in a bad panic. Shaking, mostly, but otherwise unable to move without having to talk myself into it.

However, I’d acquired a checkup appointment with the local physiotherapist to give me a once-over, and I knew I needed to go.

(I have a long-term back condition, caused by typing too much, too fast, back in my PA days. I deal with it.)

With help from Himself, we made it down to the surgery. And as I told the lovely lady what I’ve been up to, she was so pleased!

By going to the gym, walking the dogs, even knitting, I was doing my best to help my body – and in healing it, keeping it flexible and motivating myself, I would help my mind. Which would then make me keener to do the exercise, attempt things and keep that positive cycle moving…

I felt like crying. Happy crying.

When you’re in a bad place mentally, all you want to do on some days is hide. Or apologise for anything. You’re a pain and hassle to everyone and should just go away.

But this lady heard me, properly hearing what I said, and reassured me that trying my best was doing the right thing. Because my attempts came from sound foundations, experience and knowledge of what I needed to do. Small steps lead to big ones.

Sometimes that reassurance is the greatest gift. You won’t hear yourself, but truths told by trusted outsiders can hit home.

Feeling like I CAN do it.

Also nice to know that I am doing the best for myself in physical healing terms.

Battling on. Buoyed up by such support. Gym later, and I’m looking forward to it 😊

Victory

This morning, I was trying my best… but sadly, it was not enough. 

Massive depression meltdown. 

Held up only by Himself, I made it through. I sank deep and had to kick up again in order to see daylight. But I did it. And am so very thankful for my family supporting me through it all.

Now, I’ve got myself moving. Not overdoing it, but I’m writing this from the gym. On my own (well, with a friendly trainer lady and a couple of other busy bodies). And I’m battling this time for positive adrenaline. 

Cycling for miles in a safe environment, watching Bettany Hughes on my phone screen. ‘Divine Women’, a documentary about the Goddess. 

I may not be quite a Wonder Woman, but I’m doing my best. This is more than I thought I’d accomplish today, by a long way. 

So I play on these fitness toys while listening to ancient tales of mighty women. 

This one’s for Nike – not the sporting goods manufacturer, but the Goddess of Victory.

Ancestors

I’ve always had vivid dreams. I used to keep a dream journal, as they made for great stories – I’ve dreamt entire Doctor Who episodes (to my intense frustration upon waking to find that I can’t rewind and watch them again).

But lucid dreaming is a different matter. When you become self-aware in the dream, and can affect matters. Or when it just seems a little more real than usual.

Last night, I dreamt about a family funeral that I’d attended – only it wasn’t quite right. Instead of a crematorium, we were at a graveside, that sort of thing. It felt real, but I was aware that something was not quite right.

I think it was a method for getting me into that situation, in readiness for a ‘hello’. Because the ancestor whose funeral it was decided to pay me a visit.

I’d known her in life, but never as young as she appeared (roughly my own age now). I was greeted with a huge smile and wrapped in a big hug, told it’ll be all right. She was so glad to see me, and the feeling was mutual – I was overwhelmed.

We didn’t have long, though. I soon woke up naturally, with happy tears in my eyes. This may have been in the dream-time, but it was very real.

Since the eclipse, something has shifted. I’ve felt connectivity with spirit returning at a deep level, and despite yesterday’s awfulness, I can’t help but wonder if this is some sort of mustering of my forces to overcome the negative… and my Black Dog knows it (hence the bad knocks lately).

I honour my ancestors, known and unknown. I’d rather not share a picture of this lady, but I have a momento from her on the house altar. She’s one of the kind folk who taught me to knit. She is remembered every day. And I know I am not alone.

Good Things

On an incredibly tough day, which I’ve managed to battle through, here’s a couple of bright things.

Constant checking by Rags and Fen. Because snuggles and toys help.


The sun setting behind the tree at the end of the garden. Possibly a variant of alder, he’s bearing fruit again after being choked by ivy earlier in the year. That battle, I won.


Plus support from Himself, tea and books. 

Onward. 

UK Eclipse

Today, there was a total eclipse in America. Not so over here… but there was certainly something going on in the air.

As the day went on, I grew increasingly tired. Unable to concentrate, having trouble doing much of anything.

This gradually turned into a terrible attack of anxiety and depression, which had been threatening all day. Himself wasn’t immune either.

We resolved to head into the village for a quick ‘hit and run’ (not literally) to the shops, to find something cheering for tea. 

Heading outside, the silence was eerie. The light was bright enough at 7.30pm, but strangely yellowish. The air felt thick, cloying and heavy. Nobody else was about.

As we returned up the hill (mission successful), clouds hid both sun and moon. But as we turned towards home, there was a glimmer of sky and some sunbeams. By the time we stepped out of the car, the eclipse would be over – and the air felt amazingly fresh. I could breathe again! 

It’s still happening. My head feels lighter, sounds and visuals brighter, thoughts clearer. Something has changed as the world turned.

As I couldn’t take a picture of the eclipse (and as many have asked), here’s a picture of the extremely pink circular vortex of my in-progress knitting (atop a sleeping Fen). Which feels even softer to my touch now, too. Creativity in yarn and in words here, for your consideration.

We bear witness to the movements of the universe, just along for the ride…

xx


(Yarn is a OOAK by CountessAblaze, Pattern is ‘Mint Latte’)